This Is A Satirical Take On Real Life Events-Real Names Have Been Altered In Order To Protect The Identities Of The Foolish Humans.

A jaguar attacked a woman who tried taking a selfie during his private time.

The jaguar, who I’ll call Midnight, was just enjoying the day. He had his little legs stretched out, a tree branch resting on his paw, and an orange in his mouth.

While Midnight was just chillaxing, a female human happen to come up along the sides of his home.

Midnight turned and stared at the woman, hoping she’d get the picture that he wasn’t into entertaining company at that time.

The woman, though, was in her human ways. She wanted to do what she wanted to do!

And what she wanted to do was to take a selfie with Midnight, who was enjoying his peace and quiet.

Cheesing from one ear to the other, the woman walked up to Midnight’s front window, turned around, got the iPhone out, held it up, and pressed the little picture button.

Midnight got up, grabbed the human woman, shook her, and told her, “DAMN YOU HUMAN WOMAN! DON’T YOU SEE I’M TRYING TO GET ME SOME PEACE AND QUIET?! AND HERE YOU COME UP HERE WITH THIS CAMERA, TAKING PICTURES THAT MY AGENT TOLD YOU NOT TO TAKE. YOU DAMN HUMAN WOMAN. YOU GONNA LEARN TODAY!”

Midnight shook the human woman so hard that he shook her shoes off her feet.

Another human woman saw what was going on and rushed over. “Oh my God! He’s going to shake her a loose,” said the other human woman.

She grabbed a bottle of spring water that she had bought from the gift shop and offered it to Midnight.

Midnight saw the bottle of spring water in the human woman’s hand. “I have worked up quite a thirst shaking this here human woman a loose,” Midnight said to himself.

Midnight went over, snatched the bottle of water out of the human woman's hand, and then went back to enjoying his day.

The human woman was all shook up. Folks ran over to care for her wounds. They used some cotton balls, alcohol, and band aides to patch her up. “There you go dear. Oh, don’t you worry. It’ll be ok,” a human woman said to the selfie human woman.

After getting dressing for her wound, the selfie human woman stood up, looked over at Midnight and whispered, “I dare you.”

Midnight looked up over at the selfie human woman and said, “It’s not my fault you got all shook up, uh-huh. You got all shook up, uh-huh!”